goddamn papers. one due tomorrow, another due next tuesday. two weekends of stress. than i have a take home final, another paper, and an actual final. its almost done yea.

but i dont know if i can make the grades. oh i'll pass. but the minor seems to be slipping at the fingertips. i'll make sure to hold on as long as i can though.

here is a project:

disagree to something. like i should do _______ today, but dont do it. the "should" is the key word there.

now, throughout the day look at everything that is actually telling you that the decision you have made was not the best one. look for signs that are reminding you to do that "should".

i did that today. midday. got two signs. really weird ones too.

i should have done that something today.

ok so i have actually done something i thought i would never do.

vacation.

while im not going to cabo san lucas or backpacking in europe or whatever i'm going to el salvador to see the family. and im happy that im actually doing it. apparently at the end of june. so im very very happy about that. and i know i will have fun.

new goal in life (in addition to many)

make my mom a dish that she will love. she spent soo many years making me about 20 different things that i love, i assume i owe her one.

sorry i couldnt make it this year momma. i still love you though.

while i still have the same annoyance. the problem hasn't overwhelmed me like it did the time i wrote the other entry. gotta relax, DONT COMPLAIN has been written on my calendar for two months, and its something i always look at. what i will try not to do is change myself in order to get with someone. but i do not want to change them, im not in the business of changing people. either way, the one thing that has gotta give is my overall opinions. they need to relax, and just let loose. sometimes that is needed while it is not completely wanted.

always remember that people.

and i think i may have found a way to get my thoughts on paper (not here), and its really motivating me in ways i havent felt since i think community college. while the feelings are not, "fuck man you gotta get out of this fucking place," like it was in community college they are something different. and it actually started on may 1st, for three days ive been in an incredible state of mind, it feels good just to realize that.

i hope it continues.

i had a nice thing going on that i erased. on this entry, not in the outside world. i wanted to just say something in general.

im just annoyed. and hope to find someone that interests me. and maybe take a chance on it, hopefully sooner rather than later.

finals week usually brings out many demons. actually, stress usually brings out many demons. dumb depressing thoughts happen because you're down. when you're up you think of things that make you feel happy. you want to drink more because you're already drunk and say fuck it - which is a very dumb example. maybe instead it should be: i'm having fun and want to have more fun. a general statement that can mean many things so i will stick to it.

what sparked these thoughts was a documentary on iraq. pointing out real figures and what happened. not trying to start a STUPID (meaning no, lets not talk about iraq, im using it as an example for the moment here) debate, but the film got me. got me down. i could've watched something funny but decided to watch that. actually my other two choices in film would've been "eastern promises" which my roommate told me was "fucked up," and motorcycle diaries; which i love but ends on a sad tone as well.

fate thought it would be nice to fuck with me that way, today. as i was bored after work and didnt want to read. friday will forever be my day of nothing (for the time being of college, who knows friday could be important later in life).

in essence the documentary wants the viewer to feel sad, hopeless and angry. it did its job, pretty well i might add. what i have to do now is relax. and continue writing. because there are always two sides to everything. anger is one and awareness is the other.

documentaries of this nature usually tell someone what not to do...what to change when problems of a certain magnitude arise again.

so, our thoughts should do the same. instead of bringing us down when we are down they should tell us how to get out of a jam, how to get happy, and how to change for the better. it is a tough task but it can be done.

if a certain task is difficult always remember it is not impossible. i'll find my way out, you'll find your way out. LJ you never get the good times, only the sad ones...give me a week to get rid of the demons, then i'll let you know whats up.

sorry for not updating you at the end of december. haha talking to my lj, well i own it so why not. anyway to sum up for the december - feburary months it has gone like this. realizing that i need to do better, trying to fix things is difficult, and learning about new things is difficult to understand at times.

anyway i just wanted to post about the stuff i have read over the past couple days. all about god. my personal view is that you can have an extreme amount of faith, not a belief. now dont try and bash me, cause thats saying i recognize what you think, and i wont diss it. we all have our ways. so these arguments ive been reading, seems like they all argue the same thing. we are dependent beings, there should be things that are independent, so there is an independent being and that is god. i see the logic and i understand it. it does make sense logically (a priori), but not through experience, like i have seen god (a posteriori).

i've been really tired of reading the same thing. so i just wanted to say, do we really need to know where it comes from? do we need to see it to believe in it. the answer is no, we want to see it, but we dont need to. how can you diss someone's faith, its theirs and not yours. do what you want with it. my objection is also the same as others.

and while i didnt read that entire part, my conclusion is that we dont really need to know, to know. my view wont get me an A which sucks, needs more to it.

and also i think my bike is on its last breath, meaning it will break soon, cause the fucks at the bike shop fucked it up today. i dont want to walk to class! damn.

are my roommates a little messy? yea just a little. am i too fucking crazy and could possibly have ocd and keep things a little to neat, so neat that when they get messed up i have to fix them. yea just a little.

i'm trying not to be so crazy about little things. but dammit sometimes they are important. they speak in fucking loud terms. which was why i wrote a long one about this subject a little while ago.

anyway school is almost done for this year. i will read some logic after this. hoping for the BBC, in the three classes. now im thinking about whether i want to do an internship or just chill next year.

knowing me. i'll probably try for the internship. i always do un-fun things when i get more free time. it just seems more responsible to me. i dont know whats wrong with me.

christmas time is always a good time. and i think the 5 year anniversary for this livejournal. very nice. i will keep it as long as possible. cause seriously giving up on a blog is sad.

i need to take advantage of this solitude in the room to post.

holy shit i cant believe i didnt post at all in the month of october. jesus i mustve been going so fucking wild out of my mind that i just had no time in the world to update this fucking thing, called livejournal that no longer gets love from anyone. muahahahaha. no not true

let us see, well the good stuff only comes around the time of my birthday, so starting there. i had a good time. i'm really simple guy. dont need anything crazy like vegas but im fine with staying home. the birthday landed on fucking wednesday anyway so it was a bitch in the first place. these sb peeps got me to go out. so i drank a lot, lost count, and blacked out. it was good. i was hungover the next day and was happy to see a video in class. i was dying man.

thursday went out to the clubs. which isnt my cup of coffe (i dont like tea as much as coffee). you know we all got split up. then with my former roommates at the bar they kind of just left me there as they went to go pick up chicks. immediately i thought how different this was to me. i just wanted to drink and socialize. but no, your night is only good if you get a girl and shit if you dont. but then everyone else celebrating came and the drinking began. so i didnt care. i even barfed a little so i could drink more. it was a wise choice.

so then i went home that weekend, and even with a failed suprise, i had a helluva good time. i dont need surprises. im a simple guy. dont need a whoa!?!!? moment. just need a cool moment. and thats what the failed surprise got me and thats what i wanted haha. so that was cool. since my tolerance was so high i did pretty well that night. saturday had another chill night, didnt go out to anywhere crazy like hollywood, fuckin tgi is fine with me so that was what was done. i dug it.

i did have some fun with the fam bam that was cool, always like hanging with them. always a pleasure it is.

then the weekend after it was halloween here in sb. i dont fucking like it all. i wished i had gone home really. i did have good times on friday and saturday but just the atmosphere of out of town douchebags never sat well with me. didnt dig. then after that weekend it was midterms time.

i fucked one up bad, did one good and one just ok. the usual. need to work hard for the next couple of weeks.

then on saturday i went to disneyland. i'm not a disney type of person but i just had to go and see for myself. i went, and i had an amazing time. ive never had that much fun at disneyland. it was great. i was still on a high on sunday from it.

now i realize this was long but i dont care. hopefully this weekend at home is relaxing and thanksgiving as well.

so it has clearly been a month things i have decided to do since last month:

change focus and motivation. basically i've lost it and i dont know where or what happened to it. my motivation is out, my focus is blurred. what i really love doing is nothing. and this is what needs to stop.
so ive decided to look at this month as a way to begin anew. i want to do good in my classes. i got Cs in last months classes and that hurt to look at. i can understand if the classes sucked and i got a C. but they didnt suck, so thats why it hurts. this month both classes seem cool so i will try and do better.

the one thing i forgot about to motivate was selfishness. what you dont think thats a motivational factor? you crazy cause it is. i want the ability to say im good at what im learning, to be better than others. and have the vast knowledge to myself. while i wont gloat about it, i will surely believe it - so having a selfish mind could do better for focus, motivation and an overall self esteem boost.

in other non mind related news, i'm digging arrested development. yea the show that got canceled a couple years ago. its pretty funny, and i can already see problems with why it did so bad in the ratings, it wasnt properly advertised and had a horrible time slot. but it is not as funny as everyone described. FUNNY but i have seen funnier, edit: its pretty funny.

so another thing that i wanted to bring up. on the weekend i was talking to my sis and we were talking about drinks or something and i told her that i was drinking from a cup that was half full. that was like my subconscious talking cause i didnt know i really made a reference to that whole saying. so she said oh thats good that i believe the glass is half full. to tell the truth i never knew what the stupid saying ever meant. but now that i do, i guess thats pretty cool that without actual thought i believe that the glass is half full. meaning optimism is on my mind. so thats good. that was a little boost in happiness at the time.

at this moment it is 10:26. i have a midterm in 34 minutes. i'm prepared. and i want to say that i am smarter than some. hopefully it works out. if this motherfucking teacher throws a curveball and gives me a fucked up grade i'll be pissed - but the need to be better will not go away.

i need some alcohol or sleep, either will do.

i'm going to make a facebook one of these days, should i go the way of the myspace as well?!?!?

9/05
fuck dude no one offered alcohol? yea get a myspace sober? whats that about

konami code > da vinci code

funniest thing i have seen all year.

http://gorillamask.net/snlnarnia.shtml


well besides those video montages of people falling down.

check it out!!!

its the death of a team, not just a loss of a championship.
ahh well, pistons do deserve what they worked for. i'll still be a laker fan though, i should probably get some jerseys before some of those fools get traded.